Part number 06-230-7

There is a moulded piece of plastic at the back of the clothes dryer which is called a spigot.

It has an intricate parts number because it is an intricate moulding.

It is the spindle that you press the mesh onto so that the mesh can catch the lint. You know. That net the size of a dinner plate that you take off before each drying session and then pull apart to get at all the lint that was produced by the last load of washing.

Pulling the lint off can be a satisfying experience if you manage to catch a corner of it on the first go and then peel all the rest off.

Sometimes it is as easy as peeling a mandarin. At other times it is as hard as peeling a stubborn orange. One of those grumpy Spanish oranges that does not wish to be peeled.

A sixty-third generation Spanish Inquisition orange that wants to keep its skin on.

Paula comes and tells me that there is a problem with the dryer. A bit of plastic has broken off the bit at the back and now the lint filter won’t stay in place and the machine won’t work.

What actually happens is that Paula comes and says ‘Jawn’. She then says ‘Jawn’ because she wants to be sure that she has got my complete attention.

‘Jawn. Can jew come here for one minute’. No question mark. This is not a question. What Paula means is ‘Come here. Come here now. Come and look at this. I have sometheen to show jew’. And please make note of the ‘one minute’. Note that she is not saying ‘a minute’. Paula is being quite specific that the number of minutes will only be One.

One Paula Minute is one of the many reasons why I have not written a novel. Or a short story. Or an email.

Or a note to myself which would remind me that I really need to have a word with Paula about my need to concentrate.

Together we walk to the dryer. When we get there she says, ‘One second’.

She says ‘one second’ because she has just noticed that the washing machine has completed its cycle and has decided that it is really important to empty the washing machine before she is going to take the one minute to espline me what it is that she wishes to espline.

After the one second has elapsed, the meter starts running on the one minute.

And at the end of the one minute, Paula has esplined me that there is a problem with the dryer. A bit of plastic has broken off the bit at the back and now the lint filter won’t stay in place and the machine won’t work.

The bit at the back is the bit that should be called a spindle but which the manufacturer calls a spigot.

I always thought that a spigot was something to do with beer. Something like a tap that you would whack into the side of a tankard and use to control the flow of the mead or homebrew or ale. Or even rum.

Or is that rhum?

Ok so long as it isn’t rheum or rhume.

You wouldn’t catch me turning the spigot on a tankard with ‘rheum’ stenciled on the side.

But Westinghouse call it a spigot, so let’s call it a Spigot because at least that is a bit more romantic than calling it Part Number 06-230-7.

What do you do when your spigot is broken? Certainly suicide is an option that flits past in the background.

What is the name of that place on Oxford Street in Paddington? Is it Oxford Electrical? Oxford Supplies? Oxford Electrical Supplies?

Let’s try the Yellow Pages Online because we are so hip and groovy and so switched on.

Let’s Google.

Google ‘yellow pages’.

Google gets us the address for Yellow Pages. Click on the address. Up come the yellow pages. And here come a lot of other windows that are opening themselves up although they have not been invited to do so. ‘Try Me!’, ‘Buy Me!’, ‘Me, Me, Me!’, ‘Oh Please, Sir, Me!’ But you have to be cruel and shut them all down. And shutting them all down is like spending a bit of time out at a carnival sideshow shooting lead pellets at sheet metal ducks in the hope of winning a fluoro green teddy bear.

Before the Yellow Pages are about to let you know anything they want to know who you are and where you live, your mother’s maiden name and the name of your pet.

‘Is this really necessary?’

– Yes. Sorry. Fair’s fair. You want something from us, we want something from you.

‘Well, I want the name of an electrical wholesaler.’

– Oh do you now?